What is courage? What does it really mean to have it? I keep asking myself this. Over and over. What does it mean? I'm not sure exactly. I know that it means to stand strong in the face of adversity or to even defy the odds. So where do I fall into that equation?
Well, I'm a Gearhart. I come from a long line of German warriors. My mother's maiden name is Krieger. In German, Krieger means warrior and Gearhart means hard spear. So in essence, not only am I a warrior but I also have the weapon to defend my honor. I'm more equipped to face whatever life has to throw at me than anyone else, besides my siblings of course.
I look at my grandfather, Medford Krieger, and I see a hero. He fought in WWII in Normandy. He kicked ass. He also fought here in America. He raised 6 beautiful children with a very stubborn, yet loving, wife. He worked and worked to make sure they survived. Then when he got older he had me to contend with me. A very stubborn and intelligent grandson. I look back at my summers with him and my grandmother with joy. They taught me about respect and family. He taught me about hard work and the rewards of that hard work.
I hated him then for it. Making me dig septic tank ditches, roofing, cement work, and anything else his dream house needed. That house over the years slowly got finished and I saw the fruits of his labors, and my own. I remember the fishing trips and I remember the trips in the woods on four wheelers. But most of all, I remember him. My Grampa Krieger. He was pure courage. If I fell off the boat, he was in the water without hesitance. If I crashed my four wheeler into a tree, he was there. If I was crying over the loss of my mother, he was there, holding my hand and teaching me courage. He was a true warrior and still is. He still fights the fight. He inspires me.
My father, Tom Gearhart, teaches me still. I look at his life, I see the pain he went through. The losses and the heartbreaks. And I see him keep fighting. No matter what he goes through, he thinks his way out of it. His brain is his "gearhart", his weapon. He teaches me to use my head. To think clearly and go after what you believe in. We may not always see eye to eye on the things we perceive as hopes and dreams, but the lesson is still there. Have courage. Use your intellect and do something bold. Don't let life's bullshit bring you down. Keep on keeping on until the path opens itself to you or you build a bridge to it.
I'm very lucky. I am both a warrior and a I have the weapon. I am unstoppable. I just have not felt that way this year. I let a lot of people and things tear me apart and make forget where I came from. I have wandered around this past year so lost. Not anymore. The way is clear. Which way is the way you ask? Forward.
So what is courage? I do not have a clue. I do know I have the tools and the ancestry to access it whenever needed though. I am a Gearhart goddammit! I am a Krieger! It resides in me. So onward I go. Not chasing a dream, but fulfilling one. I just happen to be in the prologue of my story right now. Not the story of my life, but the story of this portion of it. I feel like moving back to Toledo ended a major cycle of my life. I am here at the starting point of another. I am hopeful and scared and excited and nervous. All at once. I feel like a new god. A very inexperienced god. All this power and no handbook or map. Well. I guess I better start writing the handbook.
So what is courage? Try the present. The waking of life. Facing your fears in the face and saying, "Go to hell!" Even when you don't believe in hell. In this moment I hope again. In this moment I dream again. In this moment, for the first time, I plan. In this moment, I have found my courage, again. I found it by taking at look at myself and remembering who I was, am, and will be. I will be worth a damn. Worth more than I am today, even if right now I'm worth a lot, I will be worth more. I will be worthwhile.
So what is courage? It is doing something you fear to better yourself. To not be complacent and comfortable in mediocrity and doing something about it.
Webster's Dictionary says that courage is two things: 1. Having the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty without fear. 2. Having the faith of one's convictions, to act in accordance with one's beliefs in spite of criticism. I think that sums up my thoughts on life at present and my thoughts on moving to Chicago in a nutshell.
So what does it mean to have courage? Just wait and see. I'll show you firsthand. Pay attention, you might learn something in the process.
