I'm growing up and it scares the hell out of me.

I'm just here right now. What else is there but right now? I used to spend a lot of time eyeballing the future. Just can't do it anymore. Yeah, the future is bright but the present is accessible. Right now. That is what I have to work with.

I try to delicately put things in order, find a balance of some sort. It is much more difficult than you think. Let's take relationships for example. They make us do crazy insane fucking things!! We find ourselves sometimes sacrificing time, cutting friends away, delegating our time with our other in mind, and we forget ourselves. Now I know this isn't all the time nor is it every person, but it definitely happens.

I found myself recently making no plans for the weekend with other people just in case she wanted to see me. Haha. Just in case. What the hell? Then she wouldn't even want to see me and guess what? My friends have already made other plans. Blah blah blah. I know. This is an old rehash of an old rehash. It is for sure.

We are just creatures that need others. That I know for sure. We spend 9 months inside our mothers growing. A definite bond. Then we spend the next 18 or so years being under our parents' eyes. If we have siblings, like I did, it is even worse. I don't know how to live alone. I shared a small bedroom for most of my life with my brother and my sister. There were 3 of us sharing 2 bunk beds. My brother had the top bunk and my sister had the bottom bunk and I switched. Hell I have a hard time even sleeping alone. I have always been the one in a living situation that shares a room with someone. Am I co-dependent? Not really, but I understand that need for human bonding, that connection, and that fear of loneliness.

I'm 30 now. I know I still have my whole life ahead of me. I'm not rushing to get married or anything, but for the first time in my life I actually thought about it. Not in a I want to ask her to marry me kind of way but in a thinking about settling down kind of way. About having kids. About sharing a lifetime together with someone. It blew my mind. Still does. These thought still have repercussions even though I am not with this girl anymore. I'm growing up and it scares the hell out of me. I have this odd desire to be something. I used to just want to be something great. Now I just want to be something. I'm lost and confused.

This breakup threw me for a loop. You are never ready for an unexpected break up. Never. It was unexpected. I'm figuring out my lesson in all of it though. It has given me the opportunity to grow up a bit, like I said. Now granted, the relationship itself had already done that, but I didn't think the thought would stick when she broke it off with me. But it has. She made me want to better myself. Be a better person. And I still feel that way. I want to be something. A better something. I kind of want to be a father. Kind of. It still scares the hell out of me. I want to do more with who I am. I want to be more of a pagan. I can do that now. I want to love my craft more. I can do that now. My new improv team Damaged Goods is already giving me that ability to do so.

In a way, as much as I already do this, I want to love more. I want to be a compassionate individual. I want to love those that hate me. I want to be like Buddha and see suffering for what it is. I'm on a path. A new spiritual path. My paganism has always been touched by Buddhism but right now it lights the way. This pagan path that involves magick, nature, divinity, and the gods, now involves a sense of meditation and self reflection. I have been looking inward more often discovering truths about me, my life, and others. I am going to see the Dalai Lama on my birthday, May 14th, in Indianapolis. I wanted my ex to go with me and still do, but I don't know if she would go. But she inspired me towards this path that has been opened to me and we both share a great love for the Dalai Lama. But like I said, who knows. I will take who the universe feels should go.

As I traverse this mindful journey into the spiritual unknown, I shudder. I'm not looking ahead. I am seeing these present moments as gems. Taking them for they are worth and not taking them for granted. I will journey on.